DOOMS DAY

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As most of you knew yesterday, I called out of my blog sick.  I just didn’t want to write anymore and my body and mind have been drained.  I finally figured out though why everything is hitting me like an Amtrak train going at full speed, February 12, 2016!

February 12th, in seven days, is the day that my story began.  It is the day that my heart decided to act up.  It is the day of the 911 call, it was the day when the 2 week blackness began.  It is the day of so many unanswered question.  It was the day that could have been my last.  February 12, 2016!

Let’s face it February 12th, we now and always, will have a love/hate relationship.  Unfortunately, I will not forget your date, just like everyone knows their birthday.  I will not forget the events that took place that day up to when you decided to make your mark.  Every year I will have certain feelings towards you and my anxiety will be just a tad elevated.  I will not want to be alone on that day.  I would need to surround myself by others to keep my attention off of you.  I will overcome you but it is not going to be easy at all.  However, I do know that March 1st is right around the corner, and it will out do you.  Just during that day, I was given the complete second chance of life.  You, on the other hand tried to take my life away.

It is now only 7 days a way, and yes I have become a stronger person since the last time we met,  I am still not myself.  I have been very busy putting my life back together and one of the most important things I have done was starting a blog.  A blog where people have followed my story and listen to me.  They acknowledge me for who I am and they support.  I only have run into one person who didn’t deserve to read my story and that person is no longer around.

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This week has been hard.  In the past two days, I have had severe headaches, 5 panic attacks, and no sleep (not cause I didn’t want to sleep but cause of the panic when my eyes shut have been causing).  I actually, was able to get some sleep last night but I find myself up at 5am, watching MTV’s Catfish on tv, and writing my blog for today.  Today is also the Super Bowl in the states, where the best two football teams in each division compete for the biggest honor of the entire season.  The Patriots, my team, are in it again.  When we win we will have earned our 5th ring.  It is a pretty exciting time in Patriot Nation and our state basically comes to a stand still starting around 5 this evening.  At least, I will have something to focus on rather then February 12th.

Well, all I can do is continue to be strong, breath, smile, and be grateful, that I am still alive to even write this entry to you.  I need to find a new craft.  Just think if you weren’t reading this it would have never been written and you would have never known my story.  You can thank February 12th for that after all of the bad things I have said.  I don’t want to hurt the date’s feelings but it needs to be a date that is removed from the calendar and put to rest!

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16 comments

  1. I’m so proud of you. As you know my anxiety has prevented me from writing but you fought yours and won because you wrote!!

    Feb 12th for you and Nov 4th 2016 for me. And whatever date they give me tomorrow for my ICD. But people like you give me the strength to not only go beyond caring about those dates but to love all the others in between. Keep it up Bruce xxx

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  2. Does writing about it help calm your anxiety?

    I’m happy for you that you are getting all of this out in writing. And I can assure you that if I meet someone or learn that someone I know has had a heart attack, I will refer them to your blog. You tell your story so well, you lay your emotions out there and that is something that helps others connect. I’m so emotionally invested in your story that I feel like I’ve known you for a long time.

    I will be thinking of you on the 12th to help give you strength.

    Have a great Superbowl Sunday, hope your Pats win! 😉

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    • I only started this blog about 2 weeks ago and in the beginning I had no clue what to expect. It has taken me almost 9 months to even start to put everything in order in my mind and my mind never works. No one knows me on here and that is why I think I can be so honest with my raw feelings. I dont have to worry about being judge. I wont even give my wife my blog address. I have so many topics still to write about this on my whole topic. I wish this wasn’t true what I experienced but it was and it is hard to forget. By far this has been so therapeutic for me and I am glad that you are invested in it. Please feel free to share and recommend my blog to anyone. -Bruce

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  3. Anniversaries, good or bad, bring elevated emotions. I think it’s awesome that you have a place to name those feelings for what they are so that you can accept them and keep moving forward. It’s not the emotion that is the problem, it’s our reaction to the emotion that gets us bogged down. You are using a very effective tool (writing) to help you name your emotion and then not get stuck. That has to be a powerfully GOOD feeling. So don’t forget to name that and own that feeling as well. Take some time to be proud of that, too.

    On another note, this Minnesotan is a little tired of the Patriots Nation and, while not super invested in today’s game either way, is leaning towards Atlanta. 🏈🏈🏈 Guessing you guys have it in the bag, though! Enjoy the game 😄

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  4. I know what you mean about the anniversary. My spinal cord injury happened on June 23rd. It will be 17 years this June. I’ll be thinking of you on the 12th. And I’m so glad you’re telling your story!

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  5. Those anniversaries have a way of sneaking up on us sometimes. I decide these days to celebrate rather than panicking. I made it around the sun again and lived to tell about it! Yay, me!!! 🙂 And now, Yay! You!!

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