Why Me??

Have you ever thought you were being followed?  Have you ever thought that you were the only person on the universe that has feelings the way you do?  Have you ever been listening to someone talk to you and they stop and you do not have a clue what they said?  Have you ever made excuses not to attend an event (wedding, church, food shopping, etc…?)  Have you ever seen someone murdered?  Have you ever had a medical event that changed your life forever?

These are some questions that people with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and bipolar individuals could encounter.  We all know that these diseases affect so many people and people don’t understand or aware what actually happens to the people that have them because they are not there.

In 2015, 15.7 million people were affected by depression, 7.7 million people were affected by PTSD, 6.8 million people were affected with anxiety, and 5.7 million people were affected with bi-polar disease.  Can you imagine being diagnosed with dealing with one of these diseases or a combination of some or all.

Last year was a very rough year for me and my family when I had my event (if you do not know what I am talking about take a look at my first blog).  I did not have a great time in the ICU, hospitals, or rehab that I was in.  There were no people dancing, there was no cake, there were no throbbing lights (I did have bright lights), no loud music and for two weeks there were nothing but blackness, dreams, and my own thoughts that I thought I was thinking.

Prior to my event last year I was already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, depression, and a panic disorder.  At a point of my life, they thought I was bi-polar, but after a second opinion and all other doctors that I have seen, think that was overreaching.  I take everything hard.  I am hard on myself.  I think everything is my fault.  I can not see the end of a situation clearly like others can.  I  have no friends. I will never be number 1 or 2 or 3.  No one cares.  I overthink things.  I am a real ass if you piss me off.  And then last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to my medical trauma!!!

I feel like I live in a world that I can not move forward in, no matter how hard I try.  It’s aggravating and exhausting and many people do not have a clue what is wrong with me cause they are not me.  They are not in my brain.  My feelings are real, not made up.  Just leave me alone.  Give me a hug, but don’t touch me!  Just let me crawl back into my own world.

Sorry guys, this one is a hard one to write especially with my 1 year anniversary being tomorrow when my entire life was turn to blackness for two weeks.  I am freaking out inside and it will be a long 2 days.  I am just trying to breath and keep everything together.  There may or may not be a blog tomorrow.  Most likely there will.  I appreciate each and everyone of you.  Please know that this is a real struggle for anyone that has any of the mental diseases out there.  I am not the only one nor do I think I know it all or have experienced it all as every single person deals and handles it differently.

life2

 

 

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16 comments

  1. When I was manic before being hospitalized I thought ppl were talking about me, people were after me, police were tracking me, I thought they put a mic in my car. Then I thought it was FBI. Now being medicated and therapy I’ve sat in the front seat of a cop car for a 10 mile ride. Sometimes you’ve no choice but to fight your fears.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh I GET it. I really, really do. This line ‘Just leave me alone. Give me a hug, but don’t touch me!’ I’ve felt that way so many times in the last 13 years. I can’t tell you how much that made sense to me.

    I missed the anniversary…I hope it wasn’t as bad as you thought it might be. Hugs to you…and internet ones are the best because the intention is there…but there is no invasion of space! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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