Waiting, wondering, why…

My doctor continues, and we think the best thing to do at this time is place a pacemaker and defibrillator inside of you to prevent any further events like the one that just occurred.

(and now back to MY story….sorry about my off topic posts, but life happens)

time

Great a pacemaker and a defibrillator!  I guess when I get sick I do it big time.  What in the world did I deserve to be going through this.  Now, if you do not know me I am petrified of surgery.  I won’t even get a tattoo because it leaves permanent ink on your body.  I mean if God didn’t give it to you when you are born then why modified it.  I truly do feel sorry for the doctors that have to treat me cause I do kick and bite if I don’t like what they are doing.  And, lets not manage the words that come out of my mouth.  I have learned to always apologize to my doctors for anything they may hear.  LOL

As you can imagine this was a lot to take in.  I dwelled on it, I overthought about it, I talked about it with the people around me, I even tried to escape my bed, damn alarms!  However, one of the first thoughts that enter my mind is, When?  When was my death sentence?  When do I close my eyes again?  This darkness was starting to get to me as I never knew if I would wake up or hear sound again.

sky

My body would never be the same.  It would be violated.  Something else would be living inside of me, detecting my every movement, all while protecting my heart.  I knew what it’s purpose was to do, but I still didn’t want it!  I remember my thoughts started to go negative and I wished I never woke up.  I felt that I was not worth all of the money that it was going to take just to add more years to my life.  But, my purpose that HE wanted me on this Earth must not be accomplished.  I then realized it was completely out of my hands.  I had no say, what was going to happen, was going to happen and I just had to let it be.

I wish I could remember what date this all happened but my memory was not the same and fast like it use to be.  After what seemed to be many years, but in reality a few days, I was given March 1st as the date that my body would never be alone again…

time1

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15 comments

  1. There is no such thing as off topic posts on a blog. You just go with the flow, you know? 😉

    I’m sure it must have been a very frightening experience. Just the thought of needing something inside of you to keep your heart in check. Were you in the hospital all that time? I guess so, they must have had to monitor you, right?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My dad had a pacemaker fitted, back in the day when they were big ugly things that looked like a box tucked under his skin., I’ve done posts about my father I loved him to bits but he wasted the last twenty years of his life worrying that he was going to die, he hardly went out of the house unless he had my mum with him.

    He too had a fear of being held down after being in the army as a young man and being held down by a group of men but that’s another story !

    Please don’t let this heart attack prevent you from living the good life YOU deserve, your a brilliant writer and dare I say very amusing too. (Don’t get big headed now). I know we never forget our pasts but we can learn not to let them prevent us living them and help others too.

    Keep writing, humour, sad, feeling sorry for yourself, every emotion going because trust me I’m psychic it will heal you eventually and then I will be the first to tell you. Told ya 😃

    Like

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